


I'm Sorry, but I'm Not

by anecdotesandrunons



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Clarke, Drunkeness, Eventual Romance, F/F, Lesbian Lexa, Love, Slow Burn, Smut, Useless Lesbians
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23074777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anecdotesandrunons/pseuds/anecdotesandrunons
Summary: College Au Lexa has fallen for straight Costia when Clarke barges in her life and changes it forever.
Relationships: Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Comments: 26
Kudos: 191





	1. She's Straight

This is one of the greatest love stories ever told. It’s not because they were perfect. And certainly not because they lived happily ever after. But because it is true. 

Lexa was a sophomore in college. Continuing to pursue her passions of History and Music. She was the on the board of the History Department’s student leadership and was principal Cello in the Orchestra. Staying busy was the only way she knew how to go about school. She was focused and she was loyal. 

“Lexa, are you coming?” Costia yelled from a distance. Lexa had been collecting her belongings and had fallen behind the rest of the group.

“I’m coming, you could give me a hand you know.” Lexa had wasted her breath, Costia had already turned and began walking again. Leaving Lexa in her wake. 

“Or not…” Lexa heaved her backpack onto her shoulders before chasing the older girls. 

“There you are, we were just planning what we wanted to do tonight. Wanna go out with us? We were going to go to Larry’s later.” 

“Would I be able to get in?” Lexa had just had her 20th birthday, still too young to go out to the bars after a certain time. 

“Oh, probably not.” Costia looks disappointed, but not too disappointed.    
  


“That’s okay, you guys go. I don’t want to be the one to put a wrench in your plans” Lexa hoped that they would choose to stay in instead, that way she wouldn’t be left behind. She possibly hoped too hard. 

The guys Costia was with cheered with Lexa’s approval to go on ahead. Lexa could tell that Costia was torn. But with one look over at the guys, Costia said,

“I mean if you’re sure.” Lexa felt her heart drop. She had hoped her friend would stick by her side. 

“Of course” Lexa squeaked out, trying not to sound too disappointed. 

“Okay! We’ll  _ for sure  _ do something tomorrow night!” Costia bounced with excitement and the group sped ahead, leaving Lexa behind without looking back.

Lexa made it back to her apartment and crashed into her bed. Anya, her roomate knew something was up right away. 

“Anya, why didn’t she stay? I mean, we’re friends aren’t we? Why wouldn’t she stay?” Lexa laid with her roommate, face down into her pillow so all her words were muffled. 

“I would like to say I didn’t understand anything you said, but unfortunately, I know you too well.” Anya sat at the foot of the bed and rubbed Lexa’s leg “She didn’t stay because she’s a senior, and is straight.” Lexa lifted her head in protest but before she could Anya started again,    
  


“Lexa, you know she’s straight. Otherwise, you too would have talked about it. But considering it’s been a year and a half and you she hasn’t shared that she likes girls. The chances she does are slim to none.”

Lexa knew her roommate was right. Costia was straight and she was pining. So she did what she could do and groan loudly into her pillow. 

“I know, Lexa. I’ll order chinese.”

“Extra--”

“Extra wontons, yes, I know.” Lexa groaned again in self pity. 

***

Lexa was in Calc class when she felt her phone buzz. Having no shame and needing a distraction, Lexa took a look. 

Costia:  _ It’s Wine Wednesday tonight! Everyone in? _

Lexa had forgotten. Every week before their sectional, the Cellos would get together and make sangria and dinner together. 

Her phone buzzed again

Lincoln:  _ Hellsssss yeah! _

Lexa:  _ You know it! _

Lexa was already nervous. She should change. But into what? Should she go butch, femm, stay in her sweats to show she’s cool and doesn’t care? 

_ How many more minutes left in this class? 40. Fuck.  _

She took her phone out again and texted Anya.

_ Should I change for Wine Wednesday? _

Almost immediately she got a reply. 

Anya:  _ That depends. Do you have a shirt that says, “I’m a Lesbian Are You, Costia?” _

Lexa:  _ Fuck you. Help me.  _

Anya:  _ Fuck Costia _

Lexa:  _ I’M TRYING _

“Um Lexa, would you care to finish the next problem on the board?” The voice in the front of the room made Lexa’s heart stop. 

“Erm, No thank you?” Lexa tried to smile it off, she’d seen other girls do it before and hoped it would work for her. 

“I’m sorry, that was a rhetorical question. Come on.” Lexa hung her head and headed for the whiteboard. Hoping death to come quickly.    
***   
  


“Ohff, sorry pal, that sounds rough. Maybe you need this more than me.” Costia laughed at Lexa’s story and handed her a glass of the homemade sangria. 

“Thanks” Lexa lifted the glass as if saying “cheers” and started drinking. Chugging is more accurate. Lincoln reached over the table, 

“Woah there slugger. Pace yourself.” He gently pulled the glass away from Lexa’s mouth and guided it back to the table top. 

“Food?” Lincoln asked as he scooped some Mac and Cheese into a bowl for her. Always the saint, Lincoln was. 

“Yes please.” Lexa looked up at him sheepishly and then over to Costia, who was busy talking to her roommate, Echo, about what one of their other roommates had said that morning. 

“Can you believe?” Costia exclaimed as she took a swig from her glass

“Honestly, yeah. That doesn’t surprise me. What a bitch.” Echo affirmed and took her own drink.

“Best friend, did you manage to complete that problem?” Echo said affectionately towards Lexa. They had declared themselves “best friends” the first night they met while considerably drunk. 

“Yeah, it took an embarrassing amount of time, but I powered through.” Lexa said in between mouthfuls. 

Lexa couldn’t keep her eyes away from Costia. No matter how hard she tried, she always found herself looking back. Never did she find Costia looking back, much to her dismay.  _ That’s cause she’s straight Lexa.  _ Lexa berated herself.  _ But she never shows an interest in boys, and I mean look at how she’s dressed. _ It was true, Costia had a very androgynous style. Earth tones, jackets, boots. Simple, comfortable, definitely a little gay. Not to mention her pictures abroad, the leather, the hair cut. Lexa deserved some credit, Costia was not helping in giving any clues away. 

Lexa’s phone buzzed on the table. 

Anya:  _ I can feel you thinking from here. She’s straight. Just drink your wine.  _

Lexa replied with the middle finger emoji and turned her phone on silent. Lincoln gave her a curious look but she deflected like a pro. But Jesus, did she just need to know. Was this girl actually straight? Maybe she was like Lexa and hasn’t always known. Maybe she’s deep within the closet. Lexa just needed to find the right time to ask and a lot more wine.

***

“Hey, Costia?”

“Sup?”

“Who are you rooming with on the habitat trip?”

“You, dumb dumb.” Lexa was both relieved and immediately anxious about it. What had she expected? This is what she wanted, so why was she so worried? Because they probably have to sleep in the same bed. That’s why. 

_ Oh god. _ Lexa thought

***

Lexa was cleaning up her area of the sight and looking around for Costia as she did. But she was nowhere to be seen. As soon as Lexa’s area was all clean, she began wondering with a purpose. It was an art that she had believed she had perfected, key word thought. She would wander, looking like she was chill and just checking things out when she was really searching and waiting for who she was looking for to turn up. That way, when she did find who she was looking for, it seemed casual and completely unintended that they bumped into one another. Completely casual. 

Eventually, she did find Costia. But she was talking to one of the other girls on the trip and as Lexa got closer she could hear what they were talking about. 

“Yeah, he asked if I wanted to go out tonight. I mean, I do, but I don’t know. What do you think?” At this, Lexa felt defeated and hurt. Which she knew was irrational but she couldn’t help it. So she quickly went back to where people were packing up, before Costia could notice she was there. Lexa busied herself with making trips back and forth to put the larger gear away when someone doing the same caught her eye. Lexa knew her name was Clarke and that she had noticed her watching her a couple times before but thought nothing of it. Lexa figured that she ought to say “hi” and if there was a chance that Costia would see her talking to another girl she might feel a little jealous and come to her senses. Still casual. 

“Hey, Clarke, are you walking over to the shed?”

“Yeah, are you?” Clarke smiled a brilliant smile, but Lexa was too preoccupied to truly notice. 

“Walk over together?” Lexa’s hands were full but she gestured towards the shed and started walking, Clarke walking close by. 

“We got a lot done today, didn’t we?” Lexa took note that she had to initiate conversation, Clarke seemed very shy and quiet all of a sudden. 

“We, it was a lot of fun today, but I am so ready for a shower and to get some sleep!” 

“Oh, for sure. What project were you on today?”

“Um, I was working on the garden actually. I have a garden at home, but I’ve never built one before. It was really cool, actually.”

“That sounds like it. I was stuck on measuring the wood to be cut. I just hope I didn’t mess it up too bad. I don’t think the people who will live here want wonky door walls.” 

“Heh, I guess not.” Clarke seemed completed lost for words now and was very aware of it. Lexa didn’t know why Clarke seemed so uncomfortable, she always seemed so outgoing to her. That’s partially why Lexa chose to talk to her, Clarke seemed like an easy option. 

The girls had reached the shed and Lexa went to put her stuff down. Once she had and turned back around, Clarke was gone. 

_ So much for that, I guess. _ Lexa walked back toward Costia, hoping she had found a new topic by now.

***

Lexa was in bed, curled under blankets despite the April warmth that had filled the valley. The weight of the blankets and the heat had put her under a tranquil spell. Dissociated from the world around her, Lexa was able to give into her depressive state and sink into it and the mattress. She didn’t see the screen she was staring at and she didn’t her Anya walking around even if she knew she was there. Episode after episode came and went in front of her eyes and there she stayed. Trapped and cornered in the darkness of her mind. 

_ BUZZ BUZZZ _

_ BUZZ BUZZZ _

Lexa’s phone was underneath her head and it annoyed her that she had to leave her trance. 

“Can’t a girl dissociate in peace?”

Lexa looked at the screen “Why would she be messaging me on Facebook?”

_ Clarke: Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy _

Followed by a picture. Lexa had to admit, she was cute but also very drunk. She was wearing a baseball hat and her face was scrunched up in a tight smile that could only be achieved with a certain amount of alcohol. 

“Anya?” Lexa mumbled out and somehow Anya managed to hear her. 

“What is it, Love?” Anya was concerned, but tried her best to hide it with a goofy grin as she approached. 

Lexa just handed her the phone. Still wrapped up, only her arm extending into the room. 

“Okay and?” Anya raised an eyebrow 

“Remember when I tried and failed to make Costia jealous? That’s her.”

“Ohhhhh… do you want to respond?”

“I don’t know, should I?”

“Do what you want buddy” Anya tapped the heap of blankets and went back to her bed. 


	2. She's Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa confides in Octavia and then everyone gets drunk.

“Hey, Commander Space Head. Earth to Lexa!” Octavia pushed Lexa’s shoulder and woke her from her stupor. 

“Oh, sorry O. What’s up?” 

“I was saying how I think I need to go out tonight and get out of the dorm and you weren’t listening.” Lexa and Octavia were studying in Octavia’s room. They had created a nest of books and papers and food wrappers. 

“Actually, I got invited to a party tonight. It’s going to be orchestra people, but I’m sure you could come.” Lexa played with her pen, clearly not studying anymore. 

“Why do I feel like there’s something else going on?” Octavia was really good at asking just the right questions.

“Well…” Lexa was unsure about everything and didn’t know if she wanted to get into it. 

“Lexa, look. Whatever it is, I think you’ll feel better about it once you talk about it. Whatever is happening in your head is way more dramatic than reality.” 

Lexa knew Octavia was right. She was starting to spiral. Clarke’s drunk texts. Costia. Her fear of being rejected. Trying to be out but not succeeding. It was all too much. 

“Okay. But you have to be chill.” Lexa looked over at Octavia who was leaning in so far it was comical. 

“What are you talking about? I’m always cool!” Octavia gave Lexa a few inches and tried to calm down. 

“Yeah...Okay, so--” Lexa began to tell Octavia everything. She divulged how she had been crushing on Costia since freshman year but there have been no clear signs about Costia’s sexual orientation. Everything points to her being gay, except her actually saying so. 

“Is that why you’ve been dressing differently?” Octavia was slowly putting everything together. It was true, Lexa was trying to give every sign that she liked girls, but the outside world didn’t seem to notice or care. She still felt like an outsider and didn’t feel comfortable just telling people. She had no idea how to bring it up in conversation either. She felt stuck. 

When she finally got to the habitat trip, Octavia started laughing. 

“What’s so funny?” Lexa was hurt that Octavia was laughing at her. She started packing her stuff up, she knew it was a bad idea. 

“No, please stop packing. I’m sorry” despite her words, Octavia was still laughing. 

“Octavia, I’m not in the mood to be made fun of.” Lexa was trying to be mad, turn her hurt feelings into an emotion she could handle. 

“Okay, I’m sorry. For real, okay. So you started talking to Clarke. To make Costia jealous. Is that right?” Lexa just nodded, not knowing where this was going.

“Clarke is in my 8 am. She has not stopped talking about this girl she met on the trip. She has been drawing these doodles of a girl in her notebook constantly. I can’t believe she drunk texted you!” Octavia let out a laugh again.

“Yeah, and now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Well, now that I know it’s you she’s been pining about, this is hilarious.” Octavia faked wiping tears away. 

“Wait what? You actually know her? Clarke? She’s not just some girl in your class?” Lexa was so confused. She hadn’t given this girl much thought until two days ago and now she seems to be everywhere. It was overwhelming. 

“Yeah! I love Clarke! She’s cool and sweet and I think you would get along. Kind of a ying-yang thing.” 

“What does that say about mel?” Lexa gave Octavia a look that made Octavia backtrack very quickly, stumbling on her words. 

***

Lexa was back at her apartment and considering what to wear to the party. 

“We can’t keep playing this game, Lexa.” Anya was in the doorway giving Lexa a sad look. 

“I know, I know. But there are things to consider!” Lexa tried to play her best poker face but Anya saw right through it. 

“Okay, I’ll bite.” Anya crossed her arms and waited for Lexa to start. 

“One, weather. It’s chilly outside, but it’s going to get hot at the house.” Lexa looked to see if it was working. But Anya had her lawyer face on, not giving an inch but still listening. 

“Two, what is comfy. I don’t want to wear leather pants or an wool sweater. I would be too hot and itchy and uncomfortable.” Lexa was finding the confidence in her claim, hoping it was winning over her roommate.

“Finally, what says, “I’m cute, I’m a lesbian, but I’m not trying with eithe”r?”

“Lex--”

“Everyone does this Anya! It’s not just me! Straight girls do this all the time! Why can’t I overthink my outfits too?” Lexa was pleading now as a last resort. 

“Fine. You’re right. Everyone does this.” Anya rolled her eyes. 

“Just wear what YOU feel good in. Don’t worry about what image it gives, okay?” Anya was right and she knew it and Lexa knew it too. 

“Fine. You’re right. How about this?” Anya was going to roll her eyes again but Lexa cut her off “I just want to know your opinion!” 

Lexa chose black jeans, a black tank, green flannel, and her converses.

“You look like yourself. I like it.” Anya gave her a genuine smile. 

“I think you should come with. Get out of the apartment.” Lexa secretly wanted Anya to come as a shield, but she knew the other girl could also get out. 

Just then her phone buzzed, it was Octavia. 

_ O: I’m almost to yours. I brought my roommate, I hope you don’t mind. xx _

“It’s O, she’s bringing her roommate. Even more the reason you should come!” Lexa knew it was a long shot, but tried anyway. 

Anya was already back on her computer, ignoring Lexa. 

“Fine.” Lexa left the room to finish getting ready. 

Not much later there was a knock at the door. Anya beat her to the door. 

“Hello, Octavia.” Anya was formal yet friendly greeting the smaller woman. 

“Hey, Anya! How are you? Have you met Raven?” Octavia walked past her as she gestured to her roommate who followed her lead. 

“Uh, hi, Anya. It’s nice to meet you and thank you for letting me pre-game here.” Raven blushed as she talked to Anya. Raven had heard stories of the stoic taller woman and didn’t want to get off on the wrong foot. 

“It’s nice to meet you too Raven. And I’m doing well, Octavia, thank you. I’ll go check on Lexa.” With that, Anya was gone down the hall. 

“Raven, why are you being weird?” Octavia looked at her roommate like she had three heads. 

“Um, I didn’t know, but she’s the girl I see all the time in the library.” Raven was looking around the apartment, anywhere but Octavia. 

“Anya is  _ Cubicle Cutie _ ? This is fantastic.” Octavia started laughing when Raven gave her a punch to the arm.    
“This is not funny, O. I thought I would never meet her! Let alone drink in front of her! What if I say something?!” Octavia had never seen Raven like this. 

“It will be okay, Raven. I will play interference.” 

“I’m trusting you, O. Please don’t let me look like a fool.”

“I got chu, boo” Octavia tried to smoosh Raven’s face but she wasn’t fast enough. 

“Um, who’s Raven?” Anya was playing with a blanket on Lexa’s bed. 

“Octavia’s roommate.” Lexa didn’t even look up from doing her eyeliner to answer. Anya stayed quiet and Lexa knew something was up. 

“Anya?” Lexa stood up and checked her handiwork in the full length mirror and saw that Anya was still fiddling with Lexa’s blanket. 

“You think she’s cute!” Lexa closed her door and smiled at Anya. 

“Shut up.” 

“Get dressed, you’re coming with.” Lexa laughed and joined her friends in the kitchen. 

***

The wave of heat and sweat hit the girls as they opened the front door to the house. 

“Aw hell yeah! Now  _ this  _ is a party!” Raven shot through the group and into the madness. 

“Lexa!” A large booming voice came from deep within the madness and Lexa searched for the owner of the voice. It didn’t take long before she spotted Lincoln coming towards her. He was drunk and sweating, his shirt was off so she knew he had drank a lot. 

“Hey, Lincoln! How are you doing?” She laughed into his big sweaty hug, knowing there was no use to fight it off. 

“Lexa, the music is on point tonight.” He couldn’t stop dancing even as he was talking to her.

“Ouch!” Lexa grabbed her shoulder and looked to the woman who caused her pain. “What the hell, O?” 

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” Octavia was smiling at Lincoln and spitting at Lexa at the same time. 

“Right, Lincoln, this is Octavia. O, this is Lincoln. There. Bye.” Lexa maneuvered her way out of the entry and into the kitchen. Trying her best to get away from whatever was going to happen between those two. 

As she made her drink, she was looking for where all her friends went. Octavia was already dancing with Lincoln. Raven was messing with the sound system, no doubt trying to make it louder. She couldn’t seem to find Anya though. She wasn’t worried, just curious. She was about to check her phone when she heard a familiar voice.    
“Best Friend!” All of the vowels were drawn out and she had no doubt how drunk Echo was. Echo had already wrapped herself around Lexa. She was all loose limbs and big feelings at this point. 

“Costia bought me a bottle of champagne. Isn’t she the best?” Lexa couldn’t help but agree with her. 

“Yeah, I think so.” Costia was on the other side of the room talking to one of the boys from the Habitat trip. 

“Wait, Best Friend, didn’t you have something to tell me?” Echo looked at her with big cloudy eyes. They were sweet and honest. 

“It can wait. I just have to get on your level. Wanna help?” 

“Shots!” Echo yelled in Lexa’s ear. 

  
  


Lexa was trapped in a corner by some frat guy who couldn’t seem to care that Lexa wasn’t interested. 

“Hey, Kyle. Could you uh, go find me a drink?” A sweet voice came from out of nowhere. The frat dude gave a drunken smile and left in a hurry. 

“Hey thanks, he couldn’t take a…” Lexa was met with baby blue eyes shining at her and her voice trailed off. 

“Hi, Lexa.”

“Clarke. Uh, hi.” Lexa was suddenly very drunk and very nervous. She had no bearings and no sense and it didn’t help that Clarke just stood there smiling at her. Why was she smiling at her? 

The two stood in the corner for a long time not saying anything until Lexa got an idea. 

“Uh, let’s… I need another drink.” Lexa made the motion that Clarke should follow her. 

“You want one?” Lexa held up her drink and Clarke smiled and shook her head. Why wasn’t she talking? She just kept smiling. It was beautiful and Lexa wanted to look at it all day. Luckily, Lincoln always came to the rescue. 

“Hey Lexa! It seems like Clarke found you!” He gave a large smile as a small brunet came around his torso. Octavia’s hand kept finding his abdominal muscles and his wound around her waist. Even drunk, Lexa did not fail to notice. 

“I found her, alright.” Clarke finally spoke and mirrored Lincoln’s motion around Lexa’s waist. 

Unfortunately for Lexa, her brain short circuited. Clarke noticed and laughed and hugged her in tighter. 

They all stayed like that for awhile, drinking, laughing, sharing stories about one another.

“Hey guys, it’s getting late.” Anya’s voice cut through the group like it always does. They all mumbled their agreements and headed for the door. 

It didn’t take long for Clarke to find Lexa’s side again. Lexa could feel Anya’s eyes on them but she chose to ignore them and try to enjoy the moment. Octavia found Lexa’s other side as they headed into the chilly night air. 

“Where’s your arm candy?” Lexa slurred out to her friend. 

“His friend, roommate, someone. Took him home.” Octavia pouted on Lexa’s shoulder. 

“Hey Clarke?” Octavia had a lilt to her voice that made Lexa nervous. Well, more nervous. 

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever noticed how pretty Lexa is? Isn’t my friend so pretty?” Octavia snuggled into Lexa’s arm and she was thankful for the warmth. Lexa could feel as Clarke’s breath hitched and then she let out a long sigh. 

“The prettiest.” Clarke let out with a giggle and the two girls started going back and forth talking about how pretty they thought Lexa was. Lexa was too shocked to do anything but concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Earlier she was still thinking about Costia and now this was happening and it was all too much for her. So she focused. Left. Right. Left. Right. Something made her think that Anya could feel her panicking when she heard her speak up. 

“Alright, drunko’s. We are all in agreement, Lexa’s pretty. Let’s just get everyone home and in bed.” 

“Aye-aye Captain!” Octavia shouted into the night and started bolting for home. 

“That’s not what I meant, Octavia! Fuck. You two,” Anya jogged in front of Lexa and Clarke to make sure they were listening to her. “Behave and go straight for home. Do not pass go, or collect a hundred dollars. Got it?” Anya jogged backward now, as she waited for an answer. 

“Yes ma’am.” Lexa bowed her head and kept it low, focusing on her feet to move forward. 

“Yes ma’am.” Clarke giggled in copying Lexa and watched as Anya ran after Octavia. 

“Come on, let’s get home.” Lexa decided she was going to follow Anya’s lead. The brisk air was clearing her mind and she needed to get back to her apartment, but before she could do that she had to get Clarke home. Lexa squared her shoulders and marched forward, set on her plan. The faster she got Clarke home, the faster she could figure out what the fuck was going on. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's very exciting people are actually reading this. Thank you! As always, any comments are welcome.


	3. She's Confused

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stories and characters change even when you didn't think they would

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mental health is no joke folks. Ms Rona really out here trying shit. Anyways. 
> 
> I'm trying something new with characters and story line. If it sucks then I'm sorry. We're all trying here.

“Lex, it’s almost 2 in the afternoon. You need to get up and drink something.” Anya’s voice seeped through Lexa’s sleep. All she could muster in response was a groan.  
Anya waited a half an hour more before really stepping in.  
“Em pleni.” Anya roughed out and tore the sheets from Lexa’s bed.  
“Anya!” Lexa shot up with fire in her eyes, ready to fight.  
“Good. Let’s go.” Anya threw clothes at the girl and left the room. Minutes later Lexa emerged, still looking pissed but in running gear.  
Anya knew that Lexa wasn’t going to talk, but she had to do something or the darkness would take hold. So they ran. Anya pushed Lexa and herself to go faster, longer, and harder. They each had to put everything they had into that run.  
By the time they got back to the apartment, they were so spent that all they could do it lie on the floor.  
“We need to feed you.” Anya eventually broke the silence.  
“We need to shower.” Lexa could smell the alcohol in her sweat.  
“Tag team. I’ll start food, you shower then switch.”  
“You’ll need to drag me to the shower first.” Lexa didn’t think that she could move.  
“Come on, Little One. We’ve gone through worse. We can do this.” With that, Anya pushed herself up from the floor and got busy in the kitchen. Lexa pondered what it would be like to stay there forever.  
“Nau.” With that, Lexa was up and moving. 

_Echo: Homework at the cafe?  
_ Lexa looked at her phone. Unsure about what she wanted to do. On one hand she wanted to get out of the apartment but she didn’t want to have to talk. She did have a lot of work to do, but how much would she get done with Echo? 

_Lexa: Okay, but we actually have to do homework.  
Echo: Deal. Pick you up in 10. _

Lexa got her stuff together and was out the door in nine minutes. 

“How are you feeling, Best Friend?” Echo laughed at Lexa as she struggled to get her bag in the car.  
“Better now, Anya made me run.”  
“Ew.”  
“Eh. What about you?” Lexa finally managed to put her bag in the backseat and climb into the front.  
“I threw up. Like a lot.” Echo grimaced at the memory as she pulled away from the curb. 

“Sooooo…” Echo gave Lexa a knowing look as soon as they sat down with their drinks.  
“Echo, you promised.” Lexa took out her laptop and tried to get to business but she could feel Echo staring at her.  
“Echo, please. I need to get this reading done. AND I know you have a test in your 8 A.M.”  
Echo pouted but pulled out her text book and her flashcards. The two girls actually got some work done, but as soon as Echo’s drink was empty she was back to staring at Lexa. Lexa did her best to ignore her friend.  
“Fine. But only because I’ve read the same three words over and over. What do you want to know?” Lexa huffed and closed her laptop, trying to give Echo her best glare.  
“Everything.” Echo folded her hand in front of her and sat on the edge of her seat smiling wildly.  
“No, you know I won’t do that. Ask.” Lexa leaned back, trying to accept her fate. There was no way Echo was letting this go.  
Echo played the game, also knowing how she has to drag information out of her friend. But it didn’t take long before Lexa told her everything. It seemed factual and clinical at first, but as usual, Lexa started asking questions within her story.  
“Why was she so handsy? Is that normal? Would you do that?” Lexa looks confused and concerned which made Echo also confused and concerned.  
“Lex… maybe. I don’t know. If you are unsure, you should listen to that.” Echo didn’t know how best to help her friend.  
“Yeah I don’t know either.” Lexa took a long drink from her mug and gave her friend a small smile. 

____

Monday comes and Lexa rolls out of bed and leaves for her first class of the day without changing. She shuffles through campus with her headphones in, not bothering to look where she’s going. It’s all muscle memory by now.

____

The weekend had taken a lot out of her and she was really feeling it. She was so emotionally overwhelmed she didn’t know what to do. All she wanted was to lay in bed and sleep for a week. Maybe then everything would go back to normal. 

____

Lexa was contemplating her fate and the possibility of living under a rock when she made it to class, last one in and snuck to the back right before the lecture was about to start. It’s not that Lexa wasn’t interesting in early American Literature, but she could only focus on not falling asleep. She’ll catch up later, it wasn’t a problem. She just had to make it through the next 50 minutes and then she could go take a nap. 

____

50 sleepy minutes later the class was emptying out. Lexa threw her stuff in her bag, put in her head phones, pulled up her hood and tried to get out of there as quickly as possible. 

____

“Lexa, one second please.” Her professor was packing her stuff up as well and looked intently into Lexa’s eyes.  
Slowly, she removed her hood and headphones and tried to put her “yes ma’am” face on. “Yes, professor?”  
“I just wanted to make sure you are okay. I’ve noticed a difference in you in the last couple weeks.”  
Lexa could feel her cheeks redden. She reached up and scratched the back of her head, trying to find a way out of this without being truthful.  
“Uhh, yeah I’m okay. Just a little tired. I’m sorry if I have been spacing during class. I promise I’ve been doing the reading and everything.”  
“Oh I’m sure you are. Just know I have an open door, okay?” Her professor seemed genuine and she appreciated it, but she couldn’t help the feeling that she had to get out of there.  
“Thanks, I appreciate it. “ Lexa took the pause as her chance to run and got out of the room as fast as possible. Little did she know, someone else was waiting for her outside the room. 

____

“Lexa!” Clarke was there, smiling, waiting for her.  
“Oh Jesus!” Lexa was startled to run into the blonde and her shock showed on the girls’ faces.  
“I’m sorry, are you late for something?” Clarke seemed embarrassed now, she has never done anything like this before.  
“No, sorry. You just startled me. What’s up?” The two began walking down the hall making polite conversation. 

____

“Did you feel okay yesterday?” Lexa was concerned that the blonde had fared quite poorly the day before, considering how drunk she was at the party.  
“Yeah that was rough and what I wanted to talk to you about, actually.” Clarke stopped and turned to face Lexa.  
“I want and need to apologize. I know I was super drunk. I shouldn’t have gotten that drunk in the first place, I was really nervous about seeing you, but that’s not an excuse, and then I acted very inappropriately. That’s not how I wanted to… I’m sorry.” Clarke showed a new resolve. She squared her shoulders and looked Lexa in the eye. Lexa knew she meant it and that it was difficult for her.  
“Oh wow. Um it’s okay. Thanks though.” Lexa was shocked. She didn’t feel the need to be apologized to and it took her completely by surprise.  
“Really, Lexa. That’s not how I want to act.” Clarke had this sincere concern about her and Lexa was completely puzzled by it. They were in college. This is how reckless college kids acted. They got drunk, partied, said and did stupid stuff. But the way Clarke was acting made Lexa think twice.  
“Okay Clarke.” That’s all she could say. She was stumped.  
“Okay, well I have to get going, I have a meeting to get to. So, I guess I’ll see you later?” Clarke was walking away, but still waiting for an answer.  
“Uh, sure. Yeah. I’ll see you later Clarke.” Lexa gave a small wave and she saw Clarke give her a dazzling smile. Something she was sure to never forget. 

__

_Lexa: O, what are you doing?_

__

____

__

_O: Absolutely nothing. Blowing off class today. Door’s open._

__

____


	4. She's Grateful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa actually talks to her friends and it wasn't too painful.

“He’s so cute, Lexa!” Octavia was yelling before Lexa had even taken off her shoes.  
“Hello to you too.” Lexa was shrugging off her sweatshirt as Octavia began dancing around her.  
Octavia began recounting everything she’s learned about Lincoln in the last 48 hours. From the way he drinks his coffee to his five year plan. Lexa was impressed, Octavia didn’t seem to pause even to take a breath. Lexa was happy for her friend. Truely. She has never seen her like this before. But she couldn’t get out of her own hazy cloud to join Octavia in her joy.  
When Octavia finally took a breath she saw the look on Lexa’s face. 

“Oh fuck. What happened?” Octavia immediately sat at Lexa’s feet. Hand on her knee, Octavia was giving all her attention to Lexa in a way that she learned a long time ago. 

“I don’t know O.” Lexa was torn. She was so used to keeping everything in and not telling anyone what was happening, except for Anya who gave her little choice in the matter.

“Take your time, Lexa.” Octavia slowly got up and began preparing her friend a cup of tea. She knew that Lexa liked to hold the warm mugs when she was upset. Whether or not she actually drank the tea was unimportant. It gave Lexa some time to process and space while Octavia waited for the kettle to boil and to come back. Octavia resumed her position as she handed Lexa the mug, who gladly took it. 

“I don’t know how to handle it all. I thought I was just tired. But I sleep all the time and when I’m not, all I want to do is sleep. I don’t care about classes and I don’t feel connected to people anymore.” Lexa took a breath and went to take a sip of the hot liquid when she saw how her words seemed to affect the other girl.  
“Sorry, I didn’t mean-”  
“No, don't worry. I get it. Have you told Anya any of this?”  
“I…no. I’m sure she knows or sees or something.”  
“I’m sure you’re right. Do you… have you thought about maybe going to therapy? It could really help.” Octavia was unsure how Lexa was going to respond. They rarely talked about stuff like this, but she was glad Lexa was beginning to talk.  
“I don’t know. Do you really think it would help?” Lexa was so unsure. She never knew anyone who had gone to therapy before.  
“I don’t know Lexa, but it couldn’t hurt to try.”  
“Yeah, you might be right.”  
Octavia could see that Lexa was beginning to relax and took the chance to keep her talking. 

“So… have you seen Clarke?” Octavia gently tapped on Lexa’s knees. Trying to lighten the mood.  
“Yeah that was weird. Uh, she, uh apologized?”  
“Really? Why?” Octavia seemed just as confused as Lexa was.  
“She said that she didn’t like how drunk she was and how she acted. I mean it did kind of make me uncomfortable but I didn’t think much about it. She was drunk. We were all drunk.” Lexa put the mug down on the coffee table and replaced it with a pillow in her lap. Octavia took the cue that she didn’t have to be as gentle with the girl any more and began cleaning up her apartment. 

“Oh wow. That’s very...mature. What did you say?”  
“I said it was fine. I accepted her apology, she wouldn’t let it go. It seemed to really matter to her.” Lexa played with the edges of the pillow as she was pondering the reasoning of the blonde.  
“Did she say anything else?” Octavia called from another room  
“No, just a “see you later”. Normal. But she was waiting for me at the end of my Lit class. How’d she know when and where I had class?”  
“Oh… I don’t know… That is weird…” Lexa could hear the change in the woman’s voice.  
“O?” Lexa got up and went to where the smaller girl was, knowing she wouldn’t be able to lie well to her face.  
“Octavia?” Lexa stood in front of her with her hands folded on her chest.  
“Um, yes, Lexa?” Octavia tried to play it coy but Lexa could see right through it.  
“You told her my schedule.” It wasn’t a question.  
Octavia threw the cleaning supplies down in a huff.  
“Technically, I told Lincoln.”  
Lexa just stared at the girl.  
“Okay fine. Lincoln and Clarke are actually good friends. So you know she asked about you and Lincoln asked me and what was I going to do? Stand in the way?”  
“Or let me know?” Lexa was annoyed, but not that annoyed.  
“Now you know!” Octavia gave Lexa her sweetest smile. Somehow it didn’t land as well as she hoped. 

Lexa took Octavia’s lead and skipped class for the rest of the day. She wouldn’t be able to pay attention anyways. The girls stayed in Octavia’s apartment hanging out. Octavia cleaned and gushed over Lincoln and Lexa began cooking dinner out of the bits and pieces the girl had around. They hadn’t paid attention to time going by until Raven came home.  
“Hey lady! I didn’t know you were here. Oh good, you are making yourself useful and making mama dinner.” Raven patted her stomach and she appreciated the aromas from Lexa’s creation.  
“Octavia is a bad influence. I skipped class today.” Lexa said over her shoulder to the other girl.  
“Hey now! You made that decision all on your own. I had nothing to do with it. I too just happened to skip all my classes today.” Octavia gave a shrug.

“What did I miss? You haven’t heard anything from your roommate have you?” Raven tried to play it cool. Octavia shrieked and ran to her own roommate.  
“I knew it! I knew it! You are smitten!” Octavia squeezed Raven tightly. Smooshing her face with kisses.  
“Get off. I am no smitten. I am purely asking how Lexa’s roommate is. Lexa is a dear friend and any friend of Lexa’s is a friend of mine.” Raven squared her shoulders. Maybe if she said it proudly, they would believe it.  
It didn’t work. 

Lexa continued to cook and smile as her friends bickered and gushed about their new interests. Even if one of them was like a sister to her. 

“Dinner is served. But one condition.” Lexa had placed her plate down, but kept the other two just out of their reach.  
“Lexa! We’re hungry and we are going to staaaaaarve!” Raven and Octavia whined loudly. Lexa knew the only way through to them was food. She had to thank Pavlov for the idea. She waited for the girls to settle down and listen to her conditions.  
“Fine.” The girls said in unison pouting.  
“You two have to be careful. You have known these people for less than three days.”  
Lexa placed the food down in front of her friends and it looked like she had bursted their perfect happy bubbles.  
“You don’t even know Lincoln.” Octavia began to counter.  
“Exactly, neither do you.” Lexa could see Octavia was getting defensive.  
“O, I just don’t want you to get hurt. Just don’t go rushing into something before you get to know each other. Okay?” Octavia still pouting, and considering getting mad, conceded.  
“Yeah, you’re right. You don’t need to be so mean about it. Can I eat now?” Octavia’s bubble really had been popped, and Lexa felt bad about that but she had to share her concerns too.  
“Yes, you may eat. I hope you two like it.”  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about Lexa. Anya and I are perfect for eachother.” Raven said as she stuffed her mouth.  
“Listen, I like you both. So just. Don’t make my life harder.” Lexa knew Anya. She wasn’t going to jump into anything without completely vetting every possibility. She was less worried about that, and more Raven getting her hopes up. Not that she would share that part. Her friend was finally thinking about something other than school and work. 

Lexa finally left the apartment, getting back to her own. She knew she had to talk to Anya too.  
“Hey love, where have you been?” Anya greeted Lexa with her usual warm smile. Lexa didn’t see it much outside of the apartment and it was always nice to see Anya so warm and open.  
“I played hookie with Octavia today.” Lexa went into her room to change into her pajamas and rejoined Anya in the kitchen.  
“Oh? And how was that?”  
“You aren’t annoyed that I skipped class today? What about responsibility and all that?” Lexa expected some kind of comment from Anya and was completely shocked that she received none.  
“You deserve a break too, now and again, Lexa.” Anya stopped what she was doing so that Lexa knew she meant what she was saying. Lexa couldn’t help but blush. She never did like this kind of attention.  
“So Octavia and Lincoln are pretty smitten with each other.” Lexa offered as a way to change the subject.  
“Oh, I’ve heard all about it too. Don’t worry.” Anya rolled her eyes at the memory.  
“How did you hear about it?” Lexa didn’t know that Anya and Octavia talked.  
“I heard it from Lincoln.” Anya offered this as if it answered all Lexa’s questions.  
“I didn’t know you knew Lincoln.”  
“Well, you do not know every aspect of my life, little one.” Anya gave Lexa her knowing look that always made Lexa roll her eyes.  
“Fine. Anya, would you care to share how you know Lincoln?”  
“I guess. He is a part of the group I started on campus.”  
“The one where you all go into the prairie and read the Bronte sisters?” Lexa mocked  
“No, smart ass. The one for children of alcoholics. Although, I think he would enjoy the Bronte sisters’ writings.”  
“Oh, I almost forgot that you still do that.” Anya was so active on campus with various groups that Lexa lost track of them all.  
“Yes, little one, I still do that. Because I still am a child of an alcoholic.” Anya said matter of factly, knowing Lexa meant nothing by it.  
“Do you guys operate like regular AA does? The whole anonymous part?”  
“Not technically. But I doubt any of us would like our business spread around to strangers.”  
“Fair enough.” 

“What did you talk about with Octavia?” Anya could tell something was going on in Lexa’s head still.  
“Oh, yeah. She mentioned that maybe therapy might help me with some of my...problems.” Lexa was still uncomfortable with the idea, but she needed Anya in the know.  
“I think that is a great idea, little one.” Anya put her work down and brought Lexa in for a hug. Lexa resisted at first, but quickly melted into Anya. Not knowing just how much she needed it. 

“Thanks, Anya.” Lexa muttered into the girl’s shoulder, happy to have her in her life.

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think. Should I even keep going?


End file.
